


Fuck Your Brownies, Helen

by TheSadisticMunchkin



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Crack, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, Gabriel is a Little Shit, Good Parent Castiel, Good Parent Dean, High School, M/M, Parent Castiel, Parent Dean Winchester, Parent Gabriel, Parent Sam Winchester, Parenthood, Sassy Castiel, Team Free Parents, Young Kevin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-29
Updated: 2015-05-29
Packaged: 2018-04-01 20:15:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4033096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheSadisticMunchkin/pseuds/TheSadisticMunchkin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean wasn’t even going to feel sorry for Helen when he let Cas walk over to them. “What’s Cas going to do?” asked Sam while tapping his shoulder and he only gave him a small, secretive smile. Before he could ask again, the unmistakable clang of the 9x12 pan rippled through the air like a fucking gunshot. The three men simultaneously looked at Cas, standing over the brownies with a blank expression as Helen’s jaw drops.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fuck Your Brownies, Helen

**Author's Note:**

  * For [BraixenBoy17](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BraixenBoy17/gifts).



> I saw this post on tumblr: http://castielfishofthelord.tumblr.com/post/119939219229/iamnotamuffin-important-otp-question-which-one and I decided to write fanfic on it.
> 
> I was essentially laughing throughout the whole thing. Help.

            “Why is it required for both parents to come? That’s just bullshit!”

 

            “Dean, language…”

 

            Castiel’s pointed look effectively shut him up but it didn’t stop him from pouting in distaste. PTA meetings are the absolute fucking worst. And the fact that their kids’ school requires both of them to come makes it more unbearable. The only reason he goes is because he loves his girls more than he loves himself. They could let out a single tear and Dean would already be a puddle at their feet.

 

            “What’s this meeting about anyway?” Dean asked when Cas was finished with his tie. Cas tugged on the lapel of his jacket, handed him his own tie and gestured for Dean to do the same for him. “Something about the change of curriculum. That’s very important and we can’t miss any sort of useful information.” Dean couldn’t exactly wave his husband off when his hands are busy with his tie so he opted for an irritated sigh.

 

            “I’m not the biggest fan of PTA meetings as well Dean but this is for Claire and Krissy.”

 

            “I know, Cas. I know.”

 

            When Dean was straightening out Cas’ tie, he felt a hand on his own that effortlessly pulled him forward to Cas’ waiting lips. He hummed in approval, wrapping his arms tightly around his husband’s slim waist. His hand was barely skimming Cas’ waistband when he heard a high-pitched scream of “Daddies!” from downstairs followed quickly by the sound of a lamp breaking.

 

            Cas pulled away from him with a chuckle, taking the hands that held him close in his own. “I think our daughters are in need of assistance.” Dean threw his head back and groaned but he allowed Cas to pull him out of the room to check on their daughters. “Look on the bright side honey, at least _you_ didn’t break the lamp this time.” If he didn’t love his idiot of a husband so much he would have smacked the smirk right off his face at that.

* * *

 

            “Is it straight?”

 

            “Am I comparing it to you? If I am, it’s definitely straighter than you.”

 

            “Gabe…”

 

            “You gotta learn how to appreciate comedy gold, Sammy!”

 

            “Just straighten my tie, Gabe.”

 

            With an unnecessary eyebrow wiggle, the shorter man undid Sam’s tie and started tying it properly. “What time is the PTA meeting?” Sam asked as Gabe finished with his tie with a tug that made it tighter than what he was used to. “Meeting’s at 1pm. It ends at 3. I already bought tickets for the kids to watch Pitch Perfect 2 while we’re there.” Gabe said at Sam’s unvoiced question.

 

            “You did make sure they had someone to take them right?” When Gabriel didn’t answer right away, Sam crossed his arms and stared him down. After a few seconds of bitchfacing the hell out of his husband, he sighed in frustration. “It’s Balthazar, isn’t it?” At least Gabe had the decency to look even slightly sorry. “Gabe you know how I don’t like it when Balthazar babysits the kids.”

 

            “He was the only one available today, Sam! Cut me some slack here! Besides, the only other person who is willing to babysit is Cas and he’ll be at the PTA meeting too.” Sam sat down on the edge of their bed with a noise of defeat before rubbing his hand through his hair. It wasn’t him to get too upset with Gabriel for too long. He really couldn’t stay that mad at his admittedly annoying, shorter, sweets loving partner.

 

            “You’re not mad at me, are you?” Great. Now he felt like an asshole.

 

            “As much as I want to be…” He then felt Gabe’s calloused fingers run through his hair and he let himself get lost in the touch. “I’m not. I know you love the kids as much as I do and you did your best. Let’s hope Balthazar doesn’t screw this up.”

 

            “Not as much as you screw me.”

 

            _“Gabe.”_ His voice had a warning tone to it but Gabriel didn’t even try to hide his smirk.

 

            “Let’s just get to the car.”

* * *

            Dean was right. PTA meetings are bullshit. They always have been and they always will. What was the point in having these mini sandwiches for the after meeting food? What were they, sandwiches for ants? Even an ant would complain on the size. “Dean, behave.” Cas whispered in his ear as he smiled politely to the other parents. He’s going to die. Right here, right now. Better tell Cas to plan his funeral early.

 

            “My Bobby isn’t allowed to cut her hair until she graduates high school. I don’t care how uncomfortable she feels, it’s much prettier long!” Somebody stab him in the gut with a spoon because this woman is a nightmare. At least he knows Cas isn’t agreeing too well either when his grip on his arm was tighter than normal. “Sometimes I wonder what I did wrong with Bobby. She was such a sweet and loving little girl…”

 

            Thank God he’s got Cas’ hand on his arm because he might have smacked that bitch to next Wednesday. Who did she think she is removing her daughter’s right to express herself? If she wanted to cut her hair then she should let her cut her hair. It’s not like she’s cutting her mother’s hair. “You got to keep ‘em in line or they’ll end up like one of those ruffians under the bleachers with their bleached hair and awful eyeliner. Talk about bad parenting.”

 

            “Aren’t Claire and Krissy into those things?” Dean mumbled to Cas with a forced smile and his husband breathed in sharply in response. “I’m going to kill her.” Dean was surprised when that statement didn’t come from him. It came from Cas who was still smiling like nothing is wrong with what she was saying. But he knew that glint in his husband’s eyes. Cas rarely hates anybody.

 

            But talk about his girls in a bad way… they’ve got another thing coming.

 

            “By the way, I made brownies for all of you!” Dean side-eyed his husband as he saw an entirely different glint in his eye. Cas has got a plan and he’s betting it’s not going to be about eating those brownies. “Hey there Dean-o!” He felt a large hand clap on to his back and he turned around to see Sam and Gabriel behind him. “Hey there, Gabe. Kids not with you?”

 

            “Uncle Balthazar is taking care of them.”

 

            “Wasn’t he the one who let them take a sip of his brandy?”

 

            “Kevin screams every time he sees alcohol now.” He heard Sam mumble under his breath.

 

            “At least now he knows, right sweetie pop?” Dean is so glad he’s not on the receiving end of bitch face #7 right now. Gabriel turned away from giving his husband that smug smile for a second to glance at the other parents now crowding over the pan of brownies. “Helen brought brownies again?” Gabe practically shivered at the sight of the dry brown cakes. “Everyone only eats it because she’s got connections. They taste like dry bird shit.”

 

            Cas snorted at the statement, squeezing Dean’s arm to indicate that he was going to let go. “Babe, what are you doing?” Cas only looked at him with the same look he gives him only when he’s in the bedroom.

 

            The one where he shows him that he’s going to _fuck you up._

Dean wasn’t even going to feel sorry for Helen when he let Cas walk over to them. “What’s Cas going to do?” asked Sam while tapping his shoulder and he only gave him a small, secretive smile. Before he could ask again, the unmistakable clang of the 9x12 pan rippled through the air like a fucking gunshot. The three men simultaneously looked at Cas, standing over the brownies with a blank expression as Helen’s jaw drops.

 

            “Y-You—“

 

            Cas just steps over the brownies to get one of the lemon squares behind her. Laura’s baking was better than hers anyway. But Helen will _not_ be outdone by fucking _Laura_. “Why did you do that you-you _monst_ er?” Dean knew that was a shit thing to say because Cas did a 180-degree turn and faced Helen with the scariest look in his eye. Helen was going to go down and Dean has front row seats. This day is turning out pretty good.

 

            “The real monster here is the judgmental asshole of an abusive mother standing in front of me. Do you think I never heard your sneers of disgust when my husband and I walked into the room? Or your awful insults about what my daughters like? You think you’re such a saint, Helen. News flash: you’re not. Even Satan wouldn’t welcome you into hell.” Dean couldn’t help the way his hand flew up to his mouth to stop the laughter coming out.

 

            “At least I’m not a fag.” Does Helen have a death wish? She definitely has a death wish. That bitch isn’t going to heaven with that mouth no matter how many “I LOVE JESUS” bumper stickers she’s got. Not when she’s pissed off his husband. Dean knows that Helen is totally fucked when he hears a “Gabe, let Cas handle this.” from his brother behind him. Cas was one thing but pair him up with his brother… things aren’t looking pretty for Helen.

 

            “Your kids are nothing but run-of-the-mill, weed smoking, sluts! What were their names? Claire and Krissy was it? They are absolute scum next to my daughter. And you!” Helen turns her attention to Sam and Gabriel. Dean hopes she’s got medical insurance because she’s made the biggest mistake of her life. “You think your kids are angels do you? Kevin is nothing but a coward! And don’t get me started on that Anna of yours…”

 

            “Don’t start then!” Dean casually took two steps to the side as Gabriel practically launched himself at the screaming mom. Sam tried to step in, putting himself in between his husband and Helen but it was proving to be ineffective when Gabe wouldn’t let go of her hair. “A bunch of fags shouldn’t even raise kids!” Helen really should learn when to keep her mouth shut as Sam let Gabe resume with his hair pulling, crossing his arms as he watched.

 

            All the other parents were too shocked to do anything when Laura, bless her, finally pulled Helen away from Gabriel. That came with consequences though as part of her hair is now inside Gabe’s enclosed fist. “You _don’t_ talk about my kids that way. You never talk about _my_ kids or _their_ kids that way.” Gabriel practically hissed before he shoved Helen’s hair into his pant pocket.

 

            Dean found that this was the perfect time to intervene because – no matter how amusing it is to see Gabe start a catfight and his husband get all sassy – it was time to pick up the kids from the mall. “Um guys? This has been fun!” He gestured for Cas to hold on to his arm and he did so without another word to the cursing mom at the corner. “But Pitch Perfect 2 probably just finished and we got to pick up the kids.”

 

            With that statement, Cas and Dean walked out of the room with Sam and Gabe in tow. Three of them tried to hold in their laughter when Gabe decided to run back in and shout out one last thing.

 

            “Fuck your brownies, Helen! They were shit anyway!”

**Author's Note:**

> Leave what you thought of this admittedly weird fanfic in the comments!


End file.
